Tuesday, March 11, 2014

BeYond Fear

I kissed fear for a month
In anticipation of a single moment
It shook me, hummed in my veins
Heated my chest, prickled my arms
Constricted my lungs
Billowed into sadness
Clouded my thoughts
Brutalized my sleep
Punctuated every silence

I researched it deeply
But my mind would not quiet
I felt it deeply
But my heart would not quiet
I loved desperately
But I wondered
Who loved more,
Love or fear?

It mercilessly shattered
Moments of presence
Moments of fun
With that sneaky sensation
Of leaving your wallet
Leaving the stove on
Something’s not quite right

I hadn't spoken to fear
For some years
But back then
The dark had given way to aliens
Aliens to death, but finally

So this latest visit
Again uninvited
Was yet familiar
A feature of so many
Sleepless nights past

This time I was fortunate
To have tasted infinity
To have faith in nothing
To know our connectedness
My brain grooved peace

So with fear making itself at home
I wavered
Between prickly fears
And transcendent peace
Between intrusive thoughts
And thoughtlessness
And existing in inspired moment

I was confident
To be supported
By the boundless
So I could intrude
On fear's intrusiveness
I could safely feel 
In heart and body
The doubtful quavering

It's silver crucible
Exposed my dependences
Fractured myths of independence
Broke my heart open every day
While yet providing opportunities
I mourned my loyalties
I mourned my statuses
I destroyed myself many times over
I resigned, I emptied myself
Day after day, I thought
Maybe if I bail enough of this holy boat
There will be nothing left to scare?

But wily fear continued
To color my world
Haunt my postures
Skew my perceptions
Plague my psyche
Bend me

And maybe it was this oscillation
Between tight and infinite
This polar codependency
Alive or dead
Push or pull
Embodied or dissociated
That allowed fear to camp
Gratelessly in the living room

And so I reached out
With every intrusive thought
I crossed my legs
I reached out from my seat
While honoring the dark cloud surrounding
I sent search lights to the infinity beyond it
I held two imaginative cords
One to light, One to dark
My body conductor conducted

And I said to the darkness
Play here!
I give you
The largest playground possible
My body was not big enough
For your colonization
So I give you the universe
You can join with all of your brethren
In all of our bodies
Play a game larger
Than you knew you ever could

And fear thusly invited
With such a wide berth
Retreated from thought and emotion
Begging for attention no longer
Retreated to unbearable sensation
Somehow bearable, thus surrounded
Fear, tempted into a larger space
Expressed itself more basically
More essentially, more universally
In the presence of
The earth mother
The irrelevating emptiness

My body was the vessel
At once I became cosmic
The universal fear
Grounded by the cosmos
My mourning transcendent
My healing transpersonal
My existence now
For all beings everywhere

Cosmic lover crashed
Also uninvited
And said to fear
There is nothing at all I require
From you
I will wait lifetimes
I will give universes
For your flower to bloom

Somewhere, sometime
Has already happened
And so I am confident

It is happening.

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